Jeremy Kyle sent to broker Middle East peace deal

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Daytime talk show host Jeremy Kyle is being sent to Gaza in an attempt to bring together Israel and Palestine in an historic peace deal. In a special episode of his show entitled ‘how can we sort out our differences when you’re sleeping with America?’ Kyle and his studio audience will publicly humiliate both sides into giving each other another chance and agreeing a mutually acceptable custody arrangement. ‘Perhaps Israel can have Gaza during the week and Palestine at weekends’ suggested Kyle optimistically.

Previous shows have turned nasty on air, with one guest even throwing a chair across the studio. There are fears that if the Palestinians did this then Israel would retaliate with six months of intensive bombing. The famously aggressive Kyle also plans to carry out a live on-air paternity test during the show to prove once and for all whose fatherland Gaza really is. ‘I really believe that my no-nonsense formula, which has enabled teenage sisters pregnant by the same married cousin to bury the hatchet, is perfect for this situation as well’ boasted Kyle. ‘We could offer Israel some anger management counselling, or maybe it will help if I tell the Palestinians to stop playing the victim in all this.’

Another part of the show will see George Bush taking a lie-detector test. The questions are likely to include ‘Do you really think you’ve contributed to Middle Eastern peace?’, ‘Do you really believe that your foreign policy is winning the ‘war on terror’ rather than increasing hatred of the West?’ and ‘Can you remember what your name is?’

However ITV have raised concerns about the so-called ‘Kyle Peace Offensive’ saying that their daytime TV star might be putting himself at risk by heading into a war zone. A British government spokesman was asked whether he realized that this plan could be a threat to the very existence of the Jeremy Kyle show if anything should happen to him, and simply answered ‘Yup’.

6th January 2009

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