After failing to be recruited as a footballer at several Clubs following his release from prison for rape, former Sheffield United striker Ched Evans has announced that he’s to become a referee. It is understood that the widespread abuse he relentlessly receives as a result of his poor decisions has already gone some way towards preparing him for the new role.
His agent explained; ‘Ched will make an excellent referee as he’s already developed many of the characteristics required. A catalogue of gross misjudgements, no outward signs of remorse and a confidence that he can get away with causing people to suffer have trained him to ignore all the loud protestations from the pitch and stands. When he’s out there controlling the game I don’t think he’ll have a problem with doing whatever he feels is right, whether he’s right or not.’
A spokesman from the Professional Referees Association gave the news a cautious welcome, but explained that former players with an understanding of how the game is played are generally discouraged from refereeing. ‘We usually look for social outcasts with a deep-seated, almost pathological hatred of football and its supporters, who then draw strength and a will to carry on by feeding on reciprocal feelings being chanted from the stands,’ he said. ‘But it seems that Ched is developing that side of his game nicely, with fans, players, managers, chairmen and the media already queuing up to publicly slate him.’
‘There may be some ironic chants of ‘who’s the bastard in the black?’’ Ched’s agent added. ‘But if a dodgy free kick goes their way, I’m sure they’ll soon come round.’
Meanwhile, the Football League and the Football Association, the authorities which control the national game, remained silent regarding the announcement. It was as if they were too drunk to speak.