The Prime Minister denied today that the government is withdrawing vital drugs for cancer treatment. ‘Cancer treatment is my number one priority, after Ebola treatment,’ he said, adding, ‘unless that nurse is getting better, in which case cancer treatment, or at least the cancers that are treatable, you know, the ones that probably go away after a while anyway, are my highest priority.’
Mr Cameron denied he was turning his back on the treatment ‘of those really nasty cancers, the ones that don’t seem to get better, or cost a fortune to cure.’ In addition to the promise of paracetamol, he also promised to fund ‘going home and getting plenty of rest and liquids’ and said he would consider homeopathic cures, as long as the dilution didn’t involve expensive mineral water.
‘These cancer patients criticising my current funding are a problem that are not going to go away…’ said the Prime Minister. ‘Oh, except that now they are.’