Despite increasing strife between their respective followers and the impending Judgement Day in which the sheep may or may not be separate from the goats and the unbelievers may or may not be cast into the eternal pit of fire, it has emerged that God, Allah and Jehovah are still unable to agree on the format of their long-awaited live TV debate.
The main bone of contention is said to be whether or not other gods should be included, while there have also been calls for a separate debate to the north, where Odin is seen as a serious contender. Jehovah, a jealous god, has refused point blank to appear on the same platform as Ba’al or Marduk, while Allah insists that no other gods can take part in the debate because they don’t exist anyway.
‘That’s pretty rich coming from Allah, who has 99 different beautiful names and doesn’t even let anyone know what He looks like,’ said God. ‘I, for one, am happy to appear alongside anyone except Vishnu, whose alleged killing of another member of his trinity is morally unacceptable to Me, Me and Me.’ Jehovah retorted that the omniscient God was ‘an annoying know-it-all’ and demanded equal representation for all minority gods.
He added: ‘It’s been chaos on Earth for millennia, with no single divine being claiming an absolute majority of followers. I am open to forming a coalition, as long as no-one who covets his neighbour’s ass – oh, grow up – gets involved and I get to keep the sky portfolio.’ Jehovah and Allah further insisted that they must be allowed to create their own riders for the event, with no prawns or ham sandwiches allowed, though they ended up having a blazing row about whether wine would be OK.
Back on Earth, the squabblings of the almighty rulers of the universe are being met with contempt. ‘God, Allah, Jehovah – they’re all the bloody same,’ said Brian Jenkinson, 54, from Manchester, shortly before being struck down by a thunderbolt which all three blamed on Zeus. Zeus himself could not be reached for comment, as he was too busy turning himself into a swan in order to get some gullible teenage Greek girl into bed.
Buddha, meanwhile, has declined to take part in the debate and will be ’empty-chaired’. ‘I don’t think I would find it very enlightening,’ he said.
Viewers in Scotland will have their own programmes.
Oxbridge [Hat tips to Nick B and Crayon]