Terror group to improve media image with piano playing kitten

hopes high of a YouTube hit

An Al-Qaeda cell in Iraq, frustrated at its inability to make an impact on the world media stage through its suicide bombings, rocket attacks and kidnapping campaigns, is hoping to improve its global profile and spread its anti-Western beliefs through its latest videotaped call to arms, which also features manipulated images of a kitten playing the piano in the hope that it will ‘go viral’.

‘Our latest recruit, ‘Jihadi Kitten’, may not be the best pianist, but she has a strong desire for martyrdom, and would also sit still for us while we fitted her niqab’, explained group spokesman, Hamoud al-Jubouri. ‘When all BBC website visitors want to read about is a man marrying a goat, you have to raise your game to compete for the public’s attention.’

The group is also hoping to appeal to disaffected local youths in Iraq, who are not being reached through conventional methods of terror recruitment, traditionally featuring bearded old men with AK47s against austere mountain backdrops. A new grassroots campaign to be spread through YouTube and several social networking sites will initially solely feature a man in a gorilla suit playing the drums to a piece of decadent Western rock music. ‘Once we’ve got our key demographic’s attention we plan to release the full video, which shows the infidel monkey-man being beheaded, and details of how to sign up for holy war. The connection may not be immediately obvious, but that’s what will get people talking,’ commented al-Jubouri.

Future plans for the terrorists include painting a 40-foot penis on the top of a bus before driving it into an armed checkpoint, and lip-syncing messages from Osama Bin-Laden over images of the A-Team’s Mr T.

‘Our campaign is predicted to feature extensive civilian deaths, provide a solemn warning of what we will do to all westerners occupying our beloved cities, and see hell unleashed via a dog in a hat riding a motorcycle,’ explained the extremist leader. ‘We’re optimistic it’ll make page two of the Metro tomorrow.’

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Posted: Jan 15th, 2015 by

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