The Catholic church is facing the most significant threat to its unity in generations as progressives call on the Vatican to advance the cause of gender equality and allow women paedophiles to be ordained as Catholic priests.
‘In the 21st century it seems incredible that only male priests are entrusted with the responsibility of abusing the children in their care,’ said pro-women campaigner, Sister Genevieve Loretta. ‘In every other walk of life women have proved themselves capable of performing roles as well as or better than men, so why shouldn’t women be given the chance to exploit a position of authority and defile vulnerable minors? I’m sure it’s what Jesus would have wanted.’
Campaigners for the admission of women paedophiles into the Catholic clergy argue that women often have better social and communication skills necessary to win a child’s trust and then convince them not to report anything to the authorities, and could potentially abuse more children at once due to their ability to multi-task. They also add that ordaining women priests wouldn’t even require any changes to the current dress code.
However, traditionalists argue that canonical law decrees paedophilia can only be practised by male priests. ‘The Catholic church has a well-earned reputation for the quality of its paedophiles and its procedures for dealing with them,’ said Vatican spokesman Federico Lombardi. ‘The doctrine of molestation allows the church to turn a blind eye only to male priests who defile their choristers and altar boys. It used to allow us to turn the other cheek too, but apparently that was the cause of most of the problems.’
Although campaigners hope Catholicism will modernise and give women paedophiles the same rights and opportunities as their male counterparts, the Vatican has denied it is out of touch on the issue. ‘We’ve been accused of being backward-looking,’ said Lombardi. ‘But in the relationship between a choir boy and his male priest, the Catholic church has always been very clear that it is the child who should be backward-looking.’