‘We’ve made fantastic progress,’ said a senior A&E consultant, referring to the news that the NHS was missing fewer targets than in November. ‘First we started locking the doors, then we gave everybody a couple of aspirin and told them to fuck off. Most never returned, so they were clearly putting it on.’
NHS experts believe that waiting times could be dramatically slashed by not treating patients. Rather than locking the doors, some prefer to wedge them open and let the walking wounded come and leave without stopping.
The government welcomed the improved results. ‘There are other valuable efficiencies being made, too,’ said a spokesman, noting that the bandages bill has dropped since the NHS stopped treating patients. ‘We can’t save much on the sugar pills – sorry, expensive medicines – as we’ve all but stopped prescribing hem already,’ he added.