‘Tesco were trying to be all things to all men’ said Lewis, ‘but when I came on board, I looked at our demographic and realised that if we removed all of the healthy stuff and just sold chicken nuggets and fags, our overheads would plummet. Our average shopper doesn’t care about nutritional value; what’s important to them is fags, and cheap food that goes well with fags, ketchup and fortified cider.’
Tesco’s head of customer relations added ‘Many of them actually thought the fruit and veg aisle was an outdoor smoking area, and that Tesco Finest was a range of hair-care products aimed at the middle classes.’
In a statement issued from the board, Tesco Plc aims to start the initial simplification project with nuggets and fags, but if revenues show a steady upward trend into the third quarter, they may extend their product range again and branch out into 8-for-7 deals on Quavers, or 40% extra free crates of Frosties.
Regular Tesco Shopper, Mandy Mason, said of the move ‘It makes sense really, I got fed up shopping at Tesco because I had to do too much thinking when I was shopping there, which got in the way of remembering my kids names so I could properly shout obscenities at them, so I started shopping at Lidl. But after a while I got sick of having to do a Google search on what I was buying every time I picked up a microwave pizza that was made of something I’ve never heard of.’ She added, ‘what the fuck is Moldova?’