In an attempt to broaden the appeal of their manifesto, UKIP are set to legalise petting in public swimming baths. Other policy initiatives include an amnesty on library book fines and a very slight reduction in the cost of the TV licence.
‘We’re really hoping to get our manifesto up to 2 sides of A4’, explained Nigel Farage. ‘People say “oh, you’re just xenophobes and all you ever think about is leaving Europe”. Well, these new policies should show that we’re much more than that, we’re the party of ideas. Not intellectuals’, he added hastily. ‘More the sort of ideas you’d hear down the pub. Or in a taxi.’
A ‘furious’ David Cameron has ordered his policy advisers to work weekends and evenings until they can give him similar ‘genius’ ideas. ‘We know the sorts of things which ordinary people like – cheap fuel, fattening foods, whippets etc – we just need to find ways to make them seem like policies’, explained an intern at Conservative Central Office. ‘UKIP have the edge because quite a few of their supporters are oiks, so they speak fluent oik and can really get inside the heads of ordinary people. David has been really angry about the defections, and now these great ideas are the last straw. He just sits there, in his bunker, yelling in German and gesticulating wildly. I think he can see how it’s all going to end.’