Man threatens suicide under pressure of Candy Crush Saga requests

any other sort of crush momentarily preferable

Streets around the Shard skyscraper in the City of London have been cordoned off after reports of a 32 year old office worker standing on the 48th floor window ledge threatening to jump unless every single one of his 290 Facebook friends promises to stop sending unsolicited invitations to play Candy Crush Saga.

This is just the latest in a spate of Candy Crush-inspired incidents. Earlier this week a Croydon housewife took an Asda checkout attendant hostage with an organic courgette after 134 straight invitations to play Candy Crush from the same person in the space of 45 minutes.

Several days earlier trains going into Clapham Junction were severely disrupted by a 29 year old Wandsworth man found wandering in an “exhausted and disorientated” state up the main Wimbledon line after over 300 invitations to play the colourful, compulsive match 3 game, which many smartphone and iPad users find entertaining and just as many find about as much fun as genital herpes.

Speaking from New Scotland Yard the head of the Met’s Candy Crush Unit, Superintendent Mike Hesmond told reporters “All it takes is a little thought before you unintentionally send those invites. And a little bit of self control if you get one. After all, it’s just a minor irritation isn’t it? I mean, it’s not the end of the world.”

At this point, Superintendent Hesmond paused to check his smartphone and, almost immediately, had to be restrained by fellow officers from smashing it with the heel of his boot screaming “No more! No effing more! If I want to play Jelly Splash, I’ll pigging well play Jelly Splash!”

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Posted: Feb 11th, 2015 by

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