Under the watchful eye of former Marks & Spencer boss, Sir Stuart Rose, the National Health Service is to offer a range of ‘everyday food products’ and ‘must-have kitchen ingredients’ salvaged from clinical waste bins. Health executives have promised quality ‘used syringes’, ‘swabs’ and ‘severed limbs’, all at great value prices.
Sir Stuart’s review into how to improve management will include a downscaling of front-line nurses and an emphasis on employing some ‘cracking pastry chefs’. Whether shopping for special occasions or for every day eating all the food will be ‘sourced locally’ and ‘technically’ free-range. There will follow an extensive marketing campaign with the strapline ‘Human tissue, now at prices you’ll love’.
A spokesman for the Secretary of Health said: ‘While 14 hospital trusts have already been placed in special measures, Britain has some of the tastiest patients in Europe – we need to capitalize on this. We plan to launch an ad campaign, with a series of high definition images of post-operative scars; covered in thick, creamy custard. The television adverts will have a sultry voice-over, accompanied by the mouth watering sight of a routine appendectomy.’
Hospitals will now offer customers more ‘food choice’, while ensuring that ‘patient parts’ are not squandered. As people are wheeled into theatre in gowns ‘to die for’ they will be packaged and labelled with the Simply NHS brand, just on the ‘off chance’ that the operation ‘doesn’t go well’. As M&S are known for the ‘innovation and newness’ of their product, Simply NHS will be able to provide ‘clean cuts’ of all the ‘fresh meat’ you can eat; with ‘kosher, halal and child-size portions’ as options.