The Conservative Party has promised to come down hard on young ne’er do wells, by compelling them to ‘polish Tory silverware’. Rather than being an Etonian euphemism, the aim is to put those without employment or training into meaningful community work; such as cleaning moats, feeding the pheasants and handing out lemon-grass scented hand towels.
A spokesman for the Prime Minister dismissed accusations that the Conservatives would be taking advantage of slave labour: ‘Nonsense, we are offering a meaningful alternative to the welfare state. Cleaning the Prime Minister’s hunter wellies is a community service. As is turning down his covers, folding his barbour jacket and offering him welcome cocktails with culinary treats.’
Meanwhile critics have asked why ordinary teenagers cannot have access to the same prestigious internships offered to unpaid Ruperts and Philippas? The spokesman elaborated: ‘To a certain extent those sorts of roles would be wasted on youngsters who are better suited to something less cerebral more manual. Organ donor, for instance?’
There may be youngsters who feel exploited but this is not, explained the spokesman, another example of the Tories targeting the weakest in society: ‘Far from it, we are offering the opportunity for the unemployed to learn about different sets of cutlery for our guests. Doors don’t answer themselves, you know. And believe me, it’s a full time job collecting Minister’s dirty laundry or making dinner reservations for Eric Pickles’.