Tory MP and crystal skull-lover David Tredinnick set out his vision today for the future of the NHS. These reforms will include the pre-emptive treatment of all individuals born under the sign of Cancer with aggressive chemotherapy and Reiki massage. ‘Every child born between the dates June 22nd –July 22nd will be administered potent chemotherapeutic agents from the age of six onwards’, announced Mr Tredinnick. “We also know that these individuals are not only at risk of developing malignant disease, but that they are also prone to contracting pubic crabs, so we will advise these individuals to pair up with Virgos, who almost never develop this condition’.
Mr Tredinnick’s enthusiasm for these sweeping reforms has not been dampened by the experience of Stanley Hooper 54 from Uttoxeter, who took part in a pilot study aimed at testing the feasibility of these reforms. ‘I attended my local hospital for a reading of my entrails. Everything seemed to go well until I was told that the only problem they could find was that I now no longer have any entrails’. The father of two was then offered an unconventional solution for this predicament. ‘They said that I needed to rub my body in blue crystals three times a day. The crystals have to blue though, they told me, otherwise it won’t work’.
As part of these reforms, tubby soothsayer Russell Grant has been tipped for a plum job in a senior NHS role. ‘One on my biggest responsibilities will be to oversee the scrapping of traditional bedside observation charts that medical staff use to monitor patient progress and to introduce individualised astrological charts for each patient, which will offer vague, non-committal predictions of how they will progress in hospital, an innovation that I am sure all doctors will joyfully welcome’.
When asked whether these reforms would be implemented before or after the upcoming election, Mr Tredinnick replied cryptically ‘The best time to attempt anything like this is when Venus is rising in a waxing Moon’. One nurse attending the press conference claimed to be able to tell the future without even using astrology. ‘Unless things change soon…’ she said. ‘The NHS is fucked.’