Prime Minister David Cameron has sent a stark warning to the Russian ambassador to London, saying that any military intervention in the Ukraine would be in serious breach of international law, could escalate tensions and would blatantly ‘pinch our idea!’. This sentiment was echoed by the Whitehouse, who claimed that ‘sticking their nose where it doesn’t belong’ is as American as ‘apple pie’, ‘type one diabetes’ and ‘high school massacres’.
In response President Putin, emboldened by his country’s success at the Winter Olympics, demanded free access to the Ukraine’s wi-fi, complimentary snacks and ‘first dibs’ on the sauna. Refusing to be marginalized as a shirtless, vodka-soaked rabble-rouser, Mr Putin insisted that any troop deployment was simply the actions of a friend – ‘a friend with nuclear launch codes’. ‘Why should Western Democracies have all the fun?’ asked a Kremlin spokesman. ‘We just want to return the Ukraine to a period of stability – we were thinking sometime during the Stalin years.’
Both Britain and America may seek a United Nations resolution that all ‘sinister/imperialist’ actions should only be the purview of countries with ‘United’ in their title. A Downing Street official said: ‘We’ve be at this much longer than the rest of you johnny-come-latelies. Employing a patronising moral sense of superiority, only works if you are being massively hypocritical at the same time. It just sounds so much better in English.’ Meanwhile Ukrainians naturally feel stuck between ‘a rock and a homophobic nation of football club owners’.