Despite a promise in the coalition agreement of a year on year decrease until at least 2015, the UK speculation market this morning peaked well above what government analysts have sparingly calculated to be ‘excessive and dangerous levels’, which could potentially lead to a catastrophic something.
The bad news follows a UK downgrade in international credit ratings based entirely on guess work, some by-election which may or may not be significant, and Nick Clegg insisting on sleeping on top tonight.
Respected, well-paid, influential figures are scratching their heads as to where this might go next, hinting that it’s probably not going to end well, although, they accepted, perhaps just maybe it ultimately will.
‘Make no mistake, these shocking figures from the uncertainty industry could be disastrous for the country if not tackled head on, but frankly it’s my guess that whatever is causing this could go up or it could go down,’ said a possibly desperate David Cameron.
‘That could only add to doubts in the speculation market – yes it’s booming now, but jobs might have to be shed and the sector rebalanced, otherwise big international businesses might no longer want to invest in guessing in the UK. It needs regulation, but I’m determined not to put a downer on one of the UK’s most successful growth industries.’
The UK speculation market shows an underlying trend of employing, er, dunno, probably about 5.8 million people across the country, although critics suggest that many of those might be low-skilled, part-time workers, speculating without pay from their favourite stool in a pub with a pint in their hand.
But professional speculators who have recently enjoyed healthy incomes and plenty of work worrying the public admit that life may or may not be about to get harder. ‘I have a wife, a family and an expensive optician to support,’ sobbed well respected speculist, the BBC’s Nick Robinson, ‘It’s the not knowing for sure that I can’t stand. Will I have a job in the morning; will I have to go grovelling to Sky; will I be left to speculate alone on a park bench? In these tough times, frankly, I haven’t got a clue…….Fiona?’