The Church of England’s first female bishop has confirmed that celebrity Antichrist Katie Hopkins is to be executed on the cross on Good Friday, April 3. Against the backdrop of yet another cosmologically inconsequential but newsworthy Twitter spat, the Right Reverend Libby Lane preached that this was humanity’s last chance to find eternal salvation.
‘If my new role has taught me anything, it’s the mantra “Let’s try it with a woman”,’ said Reverend Lane. ‘If Jesus of Nazareth can’t save us, what do we lose by crucifying a horse-faced troll from Barnstaple? I’m certain we can find a tenuous Bible passage which foretold this. It’s never failed before.’
She continued: ‘First she has a go at Lily Allen, then Katie Price and now she’s taunting Bravo TV star Danny Dyer about an unorthodox marriage proposal. It’s tantamount to blasphemy, considering his performance in films like ‘Run For Your Wife’ and ‘Pimp’. I’m told that Miss Hopkins wasn’t so much immaculately conceived but the failed experiment of trying to crossbreed a tapeworm and a Tory peer. So there’s little to no chance of a resurrection. Thank God. We could even cremate her afterwards to be on the safe side.’
The crucifixion has triggered a frenzied bidding war for television rights with the spectacle likely to be shared by Sky and God TV. Thirty-second television adverts are to be shown in between nail hammerings and are expected to achieve higher revenues than the Superbowl. Davina McCall will host and One Direction will perform a cover version of Michael Jackson’s ‘Heal the World’, which viewers can then download on iTunes.
‘I like the sound of this new Libby geezer bird,’ said Danny Dyer. ‘I’ve never been into all that religious stuff, but she’s got the right idea sorted when it comes to justice. She’s also agreed to star in my new TV series ‘Danny Dyer’s Deadliest Women’, along with Myleene Klass and hopefully Rose West live by satellite link. Result.’
Katie Hopkins also wanted to speak to us, but we told her to shut the fuck up.
jonessgl, hat tip to Crayon