Much to the surprise of those political correspondents who spend their time checking hens for teeth and pigs for wings, the Deputy Prime Minister, Nick Clegg, has stunned analysts by suggesting that drug addiction is primarily a health rather than a criminal issue. Just for one fleeting moment, Liberal Democrat supporters were reminded why they voted for Clegg in the first place, why rainbows exist and why Boris Johnson on a zip wire never stops being funny.
In a joint appearance with Sir Richard Branson, Clegg actually managed to give the impression that not only were his pants not on fire, he had given detailed consideration to a major social issue. Applying common sense, logic and reasoned argument, the Deputy Prime Minister caused so many double-takes that reporters complained of whiplash. One journalist remarked: ‘I just felt really uncomfortable with him, being honest. It’s unsettling. Like seeing Richard Dawkins dressed as Santa’.
Prior to this Clegg’s litany of broken promises while in office had made the most optimistic voter liken him to Russell Brand’s wedding vows. Equally so, Liberal Democrat manifesto pledges are now greeted with the same level of scepticism we reserve for sightings of Big Foot. Many have suggested that Clegg would have to be under the influence of drugs to actually take a principled stand on drugs.
A spokesman said: ‘This is not some self-serving statement. The Deputy Prime Minister actually believes in the issue, which almost inspired me to search for drug rehabs near me so I could guide my acquaintances to them. And there is no truth to the rumour that the Lib Dems have set up a meth lab in the basement of the House of Commons. There isn’t room there, in any case, what with all Mark Oaten’s rent boys, Charles Kennedy’s empties and a 50 foot closet belonging to the late Cyril Smith that makes a curious rattling sound whenever you walk past it.’
Brushing aside claims that he was a figment of our imagination, the rejuvenated Clegg stated that he had found his moral fibre, along with his testicles, the lost city of Atlantis and the true identity of Jack the Ripper.