Islamic State’s education standards watchdog Ofrain (Office for Radical Indoctrination) has downgraded the struggling nation’s one and only school to ‘inadequate’ after their inspectors discovered a worrying lack of extremism and a failure to safeguard pupils from literacy, numeracy, science, history and geography.
The regulator also found that children as young as five who attended Burning Infidel High School in the IS capital of Raqqa, Syria, were being conditioned in a climate that sometimes verged on reasonable and even dangerously tolerant, without sufficient attention to historic jihadist values. Head preacher Abu bin Latif was surprised by the assessment.
‘Although I was aware that some sixth form students were playing draughts at lunchtime, I didn’t think that was too moderate because their extremely aggressive playing style and obsession with thrashing any opponent was frankly disturbing,’ he said. ‘And anyway, they always fired off a few AK-47 rounds when they won a game.’
Ofrain inspectors were also horrified that the school’s Facebook page contained several links to organisations which clearly promote hard-line moderation, such as the Norfolk Hill Walking Society, the Under 1300 cc Hatchback Owners Forum, the Brotherhood Of Man Fan Club and the Vegetable Korma Curry Lovers Association.
Mercifully, allegations of gender mixing and an end of term production of The Sound Of Music were both proven untrue when the school’s only female student was found locked in a cellar. When later questioned by a crowd in the town square it was almost certain that she had absolutely no idea of what follows ‘do-re-mi’, though she was shot anyway as a precaution.
The Islamic State’s Minister for Indoctrination, Zayid al-Nasriyani, has given his reassurance that moderation will not be tolerated. ‘The governors shall be crucified, all the preachers beheaded and every student flogged. It is the only way to teach the school a lesson and to guarantee that it gets rated ‘fanatical’ next time around. And if that doesn’t raise standards then we’ll really get tough and turn it into an academy.’