Ron Peabody of Ulverside, Oxfordshire, said he was simply ‘looking for a better life’ after arriving dishevelled and shaken in the neighbouring constituency of Garsdale South when his own was overrun by UKIP campaigners. ‘Our people lived peacefully for many years under our benevolent Lib Dem MP, who showed up on our doorsteps every four years spouting harmless rubbish,’ he explained.
That all changed when Nigel Farage came marching down the high street with his menacing grin and pint of bitter. In the frenzied stampede to escape, Mr Peabody grasped the undercarriage of a passing lorry taking a consignment of hair dryers across the constituency boundary to Garsdale Argos and held on for dear life until he was safe. Meanwhile, UKIP has issued a statement recommending the use of heat-seeking equipment to flush out hidden voters.