The magical realm of Narnia is in uproar today after receiving a highly critical review on holiday appraisal website TripAdvisor. The review, by the Pevensie family of Finchley, complains of awful weather, rude talking animals and poor quality Turkish Delight. ‘The kids had been pestering us to go for ages, and it was either that or Center Parcs,’ explained Mr Pevensie. ‘However, when we got there it was nothing like the brochures. The weather was terrible and, as far as I can tell, it is always winter there. The talking animals and mythical beasts were ill-tempered and unhelpful while the much famed Turkish Delight was cheap supermarket rubbish and a major disappointment.
‘We visited Narnia via the traditional route, choosing one of the budget wardrobe providers, EasyCloset. It was cheap but very confined and we found ourselves packed in with a load of musty old clothes and a terrible smell of mothballs. It was very difficult for the whole family to get through such a small space and EasyCloset then had the audacity to charge us for excess baggage.
‘On arrival we were met by a weary looking tour guide called Mr Tumnus. To our surprise he wasn’t wearing any trousers. I realise there may be some cultural differences, and I like to think I am quite liberal, but there is no excuse for this sort of thing. My wife had to look away. We were then taken to a bed and breakfast run by a Mr and Mrs Beaver. The food was atrocious and consisted mainly of twigs and tree bark. We were eventually forced to leave when the owners kept gnawing at our luggage.
‘We then moved to Narnia’s famous White Castle, which the brochure advertised as being enchanted and having a five-star service. However, when we got there we found the place was run by a witch, and most of the staff had been turned to stone. Call me old fashioned, but this is no way to run a business. However, what was most annoying was that the longer we stayed in Narnia, the more obvious it became that the whole resort was nothing but a lazily contrived Christian allegory. I brought this up with the site manager, Mr Aslan. He told us that he had made enormous sacrifices for us, the Sons of Adam and Daughters of Eve, to be there, which only confirmed my suspicions.
‘If we wanted talking animals with a tedious moral message we would have gone to Disneyland. Needless to say, we won’t be returning.’