Fresh evidence suggests that Jesus actually turned water into wine and chocolate

Chocolate: it's a bloody miracle

Arguments against the over-commercialisation of Easter were questioned today after it was revealed that Jesus, being able to do anything, had actually distributed chocolate as well as wine among his disciples in a previously unchronicled miracle.

Despite chocolate previously not being known of in the Holy Land at the time, apparently there was Jesus, nicking the recipe from the Mayans with help from his omniscient, omnipresent dad, wrapping it up in shiny metallic packaging and handing it out to his followers who, to a man, described the offering as like ‘manna from heaven’.

The revelations appear in a new book by religious chocolate historian Dr Emilk Cadbury, who has in the past suggested that Jesus liked his sweet treats to be just the right thickness and with a dollop of something gooey in the middle, but was hitherto unable to substantiate his claims or link them to cocoa-based confectionery.

But now, having unearthed scrolls from the time which have been newly discovered near Birmingham, Dr Cadbury is convinced that chocolate is best if it follows scripture and combines 80% cocoa-butter, a sprinkle of sugar, milk – if you like that sort of thing – and a little bit of something Jesus simply called ‘emulsifier’.

‘It explains why this combination of ingredients appears on the side of boxes at this time of year; it’s clearly a sign from God. God is saying: ‘indulge, indulge, indulge a lot more than you actually want to, and I urge everyone to go forth, follow God’s teachings and buy as many eggs as you can,’ said Dr Cadbury.

The newly found miracle finally puts to rest the question of why we buy chocolate eggs at this time of year and Dr Cadbury is adamant that we can now do so in good conscience, but admitted there was still a lot more work to do. ‘We’ve come a long way but some mysteries remain,’ he added. ‘But any day now we hope to finally decipher the scrolls which contain the recipe Jesus came up with for the most delicious Hot Cross Buns.’

From the original idea by Underconstruction, hat-tip to Crayon

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Posted: Apr 4th, 2015 by

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