Life as porn star not for me, says morbidly obese alcoholic

30-stone Brian Clemence has confirmed that limitless sexual intercourse with beautiful women is not the route to happiness. ‘It just wouldn’t provide me with enough mental stimulation,’ he said, after dislodging some trapped chicken skin from the back of his mouth and taking a swig of vodka.

Brian, who is no longer able to work for health and space reasons, is also reluctant to audition for explicit roles for fear fears that Svetlana, the 24 year-old Latvian nurse who provides daily bathroom assistance, might fall in love with him.

‘I know I could perform in front of the cameras,’ he concluded, ‘but I’d be taking the money for all the wrong reasons. And if Svetlana thinks our relationship could survive an onscreen threesome, she is completely delusional.’ Brian then fell asleep whilst eating some pork scratchings.

jonessgl

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Posted: Apr 6th, 2015 by

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