With the result of the general election appearing increasingly unpredictable, the Conservatives are leaving nothing to chance in at least one constituency by making Death their new candidate for Chingford and Woodford Green.
Conservative party chairman Grant Shapps explained: ‘Sadly, our current MP for Chingford, Iain Duncan Smith, has let slip the merest hint of compassion, and that won’t go down at all well with most Essex voters. His own predecessor Norman Tebbit was ditched equally ruthlessly when he showed twinges of a sense of humour, so you can’t say he wasn’t warned.’
‘So Iain will be relocated and – although our unbudgeted figures mean that taxes are still an uncertainty, at least for those earning as much as me or more – the pitiless people of Chingford can be absolutely certain that a vote for Death will be a vote for traditional Tory values. Their future, or lack of one, will be his number one priority after May 7th.’
Until now, Mr Death has kept his political persuasion under wraps, but speaking today from his new campaign office inside Chingford’s closed Sure Start centre he said: ‘Nothing is certain in your mortal realm, except for Labour and taxes, and Tories and death. And I don’t do taxes. Mwahahahahahahahaa.’
‘Also, thanks to my subcontract with Atos, I’ve been able to follow Iain Duncan Smith – or the Grim Reaper as we call him in the other place – very closely for the past five years, and I’m humbly impressed with his unrelenting work at the Department of Work and Pensions, most of which I must admit to having more than just an occasional hand in.’
Death added that he did briefly consider standing for the mercilessly safe Tory seat of South West Surrey with a view to becoming Minister for Health ‘but, although I’ve been doing my damnedest for some years now, there’s not a baby’s chance in Oldham that I could beat Jeremy Hunt’s record on the NHS.’
Duncan Smith declined to give a statement about his supernatural successor, but just before midnight he tweeted ‘Who the devil does a Cabinet Minister have to deal with around here to save their skin? #anycushyprivatesectorjobsgoing’