Glowing tributes poured in from around the world, all confirming how wonderful and universally British news had always been, and how it always shown both sides of the argument, no matter how controversial the subject.
‘Britain’s even-handed television and news gathering were responsible for everything good that ever happened, but none of the bad stuff…’ said an American general who happened to agree with the central premise of the report. ‘The End of the Cold War, the discovery of penicillin, Britain’s triumph in the space race and the invention of the squeezy marmite jar were all thanks to this much missed personal friend.’
On all channels and in all newspapers, flags were shown flying at half mast, flowers were laid outside BBC News and TV tributes were shown that suggested this demise might have been anticipated some time ago. Andrew Marr recovered from his own near demise to narrate a personal bang-up-to-date tribute to honest reporting.
Politicians and public figures also agreed that there was nothing bad that could possibly be said following the death of journalism. ‘It always told the truth, no matter how untrue that was,’ said David Cameron. ‘It’s important only to say positive things at this difficult time, like we did we did when Hugo Chavez died,’ said the editor of the Daily Telegraph. The comments section of all newspapers were closed, because there was no point in having a space where everyone would agree there was only one side to the story.
A tiny minority of sick individuals did not agree with the universally agreed position, but they were described as a tiny minority of sick individuals. Journalism will be cremated following a ceremonial funeral service at Wapping. More tributes will pour in, it has been decided.