After it was revealed earlier today that George Osborne was to pull a further £5.8 billion out of his arse to fund the subsidisation of Housing Association sales, scientists have been arguing excitedly about the incredible capacity of his colon. Having already found £8 billion for the NHS and £7 billion in tax cuts earlier in the year, it is now being said by some that Osborne’s ‘Tardis Arse’ is in fact the biggest of its kind in the western world.
Colon expert Prof. James Francis said; ‘we thought that Ed Balls had stretched way beyond capacity by offering to pay for the minimum-wage jobs of the long term unemployed, but this is truly miraculous.’
Speaking at a press conference, Francis went on to brief the gathered journalists on how Osborne was doing it; demonstrating with a specially prepared model. According to Francis, the NHS money was stored in an area of the colon normally inaccessible to chancellors, but due to deep rectal mining techniques, Osborne had been able to pull the money out of his arse with relative ease. ‘The tricky bit was the housing cash’ Francis added, saying that a little known area of the large intestine had recently been discovered to churn out ten pound notes and the Tories were now hoping to exploit the finding for all it was worth.
However, physicists have also been much occupied with the question of George Osborne’s arse, but have come to far more disquieting conclusions. Said Dr. John Taylor of Oxford University; ‘We think it may be a temporary quantum phenomenon known as ‘Schrödinger’s Arse’, when the money is simultaneously both there and not there. It may be that, despite Mr. Osborne’s confidence that the money can be pulled out, by the time he actually has someone reach up there it will have disappeared.’
Other skeptics have said that, given how tight Osborne’s arse has been in recent years, such a rapid expansion could have devastating consequences. Taylor added that some of his colleagues are convinced that his rectum could ‘contract rapidly into a black hole, sucking in and destroying great quantities of local matter, with potentially disastrous consequences’.
George Osborne seemed confused when quizzed about his miraculous arse, and actually looked at his elbow. ‘He’s always had problems telling one from the other,’ explained his minder.