As the Conservatives become increasingly confident of election success it has emerged that David Cameron plans to celebrate victory with ‘one almighty bash’. The celebrations will follow the format of Oxford University’s elite Bullingdon Club’s infamous dinners which involved the comprehensive trashing of restaurants, rooms of new club members and, on a good night, a significant part of the City of Oxford’s infrastructure.
The good-natured trashing will be replicated on a grand scale across virtually the whole of the UK, although Cameron says he may leave out Wales and the North East as he is not quite sure where they are and they are probably already pretty well trashed anyway.
Cameron will be supported by all ex-Bullingdon members, including George Osborne and Boris Johnson, but in view of the scale of the task all Conservative activists will be granted temporary honorary membership.
George Osborne is currently working on plans to compensate all those whose property is trashed, in the true spirit of the Bullingdon, which has always been scrupulous in this respect. ‘No matter how bad the trashing was, we always made sure we scattered liberal quantities of tenners amongst the debris’ he said. ‘However, this lot might require something a bit more substantial, so we’ll ask Lord Ashcroft to chip in, and if that’s not enough, we can always raise a few taxes and cut a few benefits. Mind you, this will not be indiscriminate. We’ll target the oiks – there’s more of them, so that’s only fair, isn’t it?’