‘We are heartened to see such positive comments about our flexible check-out timings, with many remarking that the Hotel California is ideal for solo or business travel,’ said Head of PR, Eddie Frey. ‘But taking into account the volume of issues that have been raised about slow room service, the quality of the continental breakfast and involuntary infinite captivity, we’ve decided to make some changes if we’re to stay competitive with the local Ramada Inn.’
The advent of social media has given a voice to disgruntled guests, many of whom have been enforced residents in the hotel lobby for several decades. ‘It’s one thing to physically prevent us from leaving,’ reads one two-star review, ‘but they could at least offer us a few comps from the bar. I asked the barman for a Campari a few years back. He told me they hadn’t had that spirit there since 1969. And there were no sodding nuts.’
Whilst unconfirmed reports suggested that some guests were complaining merely to qualify for their first Tripadvisor reviewer badge, local law enforcement declined to comment on whether they would be investigating what some claim is a ‘mass hostage situation in matching bathrobes’.
But several guests expressed their satisfaction with their eternal imprisonment, citing the cleanliness of the bathroom and receptionist’s cleavage as aspects they would recommend to a friend – although a handful of reviewers were concerned that ‘this doesn’t count as a spare room, right?’