Children as young as five will now be given compulsory lectures on their teachers’ domestic hell as Divorce Education is made compulsory in primary schools. The move comes amid fears children are accessing material such as Don’t Tell the Bride and One Born Every Minute, as well as websites depicting couples in healthy loving relationships, and getting a skewed impression of what marriage is really like.
New Divorce Education lessons will typically involve male teachers weeping over photos of ‘old times’ before drinking themselves into a stupor, while their female counterparts smoke heavily and discuss the various ways in which her ex-husband failed to satisfy her physically. At least one session will include an open class discussion asking if there was ever any hope for the relationship, and whether working at the same school together was ever a good idea. Young married couples will also be invited into the classroom to discuss the dangers of catching a bouquet, and the way brides are susceptible to being groomed.
School outings will include a visit to the teachers’ bed-sitting room and at least one camping trip outside their former spouses home, while science lessons will be expanded to cover the physiological side of divorce, exploring the declining sexual appetites of frogs and the way they eventually get on each other’s nerves after mating.
Meanwhile, younger children will be introduced to divorce basics through specially commissioned books such as ‘Spot Loses Everything’ and ‘Janet and John Make Custody Arrangements’. The focus will be on what to do if someone marries you where you don’t want to be married, and the importance of saying ‘no’.
MP Lisa Evans, who led the Commons Committee on the subject, told us: ‘We are essentially playing catch-up; we have to accept that it is now common for 15-year-olds to look at pictures of married people on social media, and send texts to each other saying they would like to have a monogamous long-term relationship with them.’
‘While some parents talk about how moribund their lives are at home, it is important to remember some do not. By bringing the topic into the classroom we can ensure that all children have a solid understanding of the abject misery of marriage.’