George Osborne has advised all UK citizens with a spare £1,000 burning a hole in their mattresses to buy publicly owned shares in Lloyds Bank and get an extra £50 worth completely free thanks to hard-working tax-payers.
‘You should register online, quoting ‘We’re all in this together’,’ the chancellor advised. ‘But hurry, because extreme spending cuts mean that these crazy knock-down prices will be restricted to only £4 billion of shares for a lucky few.’
According to the small print, this offer is only valid under a Conservative overall majority government after May 7th. Terms and broken pledges apply. The value of your life may go down as well as remain the same in real terms, whatever that means.