UK Independence Party leader Nigel Farage has offered to dress up in a bikini for an exclusive debate with the Daily Mail to restate UKIP’s message, and is also willing to discuss the boundaries of UK sovereignty as long as Daily Mail editor Paul Dacre also turns up in skimpy, alluring swimwear, to create an atmosphere of gravity in line with that paper’s influential editorial norms.
Sporting a beautiful Stella MacCartney (English) two-piece which wouldn’t look out of place on the beaches of the Caribbean, or Dorset, actually, Mr Farage showed plenty of side-boob, under-boob and promised massive boobs in the future if UKIP fulfilled the expectation of the pollsters and took the majority of Euro MP seats in the forthcoming elections.
The Mail has so far refused to commit, but Mr Dacre was reported to be considering a demure one-piece from British Home Stores (tax-avoidance via Monaco), showing his adequate credentials in their full glory, although only if tastefully concealed under the most modestly pixelated of lecturns.
Mr Farage’s wife, Mrs Farage, from Germany, has also agreed to be part of the debate and will turn up with her wash-board stomach displayed under her clothes to state her love of all things British, confirm that she is through with anything continental and to emphatically show Europe what it’s missing.
Make-up free Mr Farage, still revelling in his triumph over deputy PM Nick Clegg in the last round of debates, sees the discussion as a hugely necessary step but concedes that getting a message across in the Mail Online’s ‘sidebar of shame’ is tricky if you can’t colour co-ordinate and match your true feelings to the colour of your eye-bags.
‘Round One, well I expect it to be tricky,’ he said as he downed another pint in a tasteful English pub, ‘but if that doesn’t work, have you seen my lovely mistress in a bikini? The Daily Mail has, and will be publishing the pictures soon. Another 6% upswing in the polls I think. Thank you, thank you, thank you Daily Mail!’