Ed Miliband caught the public imagination in Hastings yesterday by unveiling an eight foot stone slab, carved with some words and his signature. The monolith contains all six of Ed’s Ten Commandments.
A spokesman explained, ‘We felt that the ubiquity of the internet and digital records of every word uttered and each hard stare were insufficient testament to the Labour party’s ability to keep a promise. The choice of font in CAPSLOCK, reflects how he passionately believes in these abstract statements, and how they cannot be quantified.
‘We are most proud of our first pledge’ he went on, ‘as rubble is a pretty solid foundation.’
He admitted that the party faithful were rather irked that they had to drop the ‘hard’ from the second promise about ‘hard-working families’, but explained that ‘Frankly we didn’t want to alienate those who hadn’t already defected to the Tories in the hope of tax cuts if they did work hard.’
One of the most dearly-held pledges, he claimed, is number three on the list. ‘While we haven’t promised to deliver an NHS that is functional in the sense of actually healing the sick, we will at least pledge to be more caring about it. Specifically we will set ‘concerned face’ targets and ensure that staff have time set aside to be mindful about caring. We are planning to call this a ‘comfort break’, and mandate that staff be allowed at least one of these per 8-hour shift.
‘We are particularly smug about our fourth pledge, of controls on immigration, as we needn’t even say where, never mind what, to evoke a warm feeling in the breast of every right-thinking wavering UKIP supporter. Of course we actually mean the Scottish border, but no-one has asked.’
He was happy to skip over the fifth, as it is ‘refers to at least four terms hence, three in deprived areas with a high degree of teenage pregnancy.’
The sixth and final pledge, he explained, is about building, ‘starting with a cenotaph in the Downing Street Garden.’
Ministerial code-breakers are trying to fathom how the eight foot headstone, bearing Ed’s signature, can be installed in the Downing Street garden without becoming an enormous trip-hazard. ‘We need to take into account that Ed Balls may need to bash away at the monolith with thigh bones and other rudimentary tools.’