‘If I’d known I was signing up for military service I’d have bought an ordinary car’, said Fiona Jenkins (33), who uses her Suzuki Jimny to ferry the children to school. ‘I just thought it would be good in icy weather and if, you know, I needed to mount the curb. Turns out that ownership of a 4 x 4 is a form of military covenant and you automatically join the Army Reserve.
‘I was a bit surprised when they sent me to Syria. They don’t serve skinny half-shot lattes, for one thing. And then there’s all the random violence and the IEDs. Plus, I’m missing Jenny Murray on Woman’s Hour.’
Derek Watson (54) was even more surprised to find himself being parachuted into enemy territory. ‘All I did was use the phonetic alphabet to give my postcode on a phone call. Apparently that’s enough.’
‘This has nothing to do with spending cuts’, said a MOD spokesman. ‘We just thought it would be quite funny. We’re checking Amazon’s records to identify Andy McNab readers – they don’t know it yet, but their special forces ‘knowledge’ is about to be put to the test… in Ukraine.’