A spokesman for the London Air Ambulance service has confirmed reports of a ‘serious incident’ involving a premiership footballer and ‘some shampoo’.
‘This is the nightmare scenario for any paramedic’, a spokesman explained. ‘What might seem like minor discomfort to you or me can be agony for people suffering from Sensory Hypersensitivity Syndrome, or Girlishness as it’s more colloquially known. These people are unable to hold down a normal job, and end up spending their time playing children’s games and dressing-up. Even kids’ games aren’t safe – a simple tap on the ankle or a harmless bump can have dramatic effects.
‘When a footballer gets shampoo in his eye it’s very traumatic for all around him – the screaming, the begging for death or some Class A drugs, quite often an inability to stand up, regardless of the organ affected. I’ve attended three shampoo incidents in my career, and they’re worse than a multiple pile-up – at least genuine casualties shut the fuck up occasionally.’