Mrs Miliband Snr. was said to be [hugely elated/deeply upset] last night after her son [won/lost] the election for leader of the Labour party. Her son had stood on a platform of [returning to old Labour values/continuing new Labour values], and Mrs Miliband had to agree that in the end the best man had [triumphed/been utterly humiliated].
‘Obviously I’ve been right behind my son’s campaign since day one,’ Mrs Miliband told reporters. ‘But to see all those years of work finally come to [fruition/nothing] just makes me feel so [proud/stupid]. I always tried to engender in him a sense that [winning is everything/it’s the taking part that counts], and if I’d known all those years ago, as he sat on my knee listening to key extracts from Das Kapital, that one day he’d grow up to be [leader of a visionless centre-left party/a nobody], I’m certain that I would [never have bothered/never have bothered].’
Union leaders Derek Simpson and Bob Crow were among the first to [congratulate/stick two fingers up to] the new [leader/‘loser with a capital L’]. ‘For those of us in the Labour movement,’ said Crow, ‘it was always clear that Miliband had been marked out for [success/failure]. Politics has changed a lot, but the most important thing is to get your message across to the public, and that’s always [easier/harder] if you’re [almost handsome/a dead ringer for Mr Bean].’
Party members were quick to pay [thanks/insults] to defeated leadership contenders Ed Balls and Diane Abbott who are said to be looking forward to [taking any shadow cabinet post going/spending more time with Michael Portillo]. There was also a strong consensus on the floor of the conference that Andy Burnham would continue his meteoric rise to obscurity.
A [jubilant/dejected] Mr Miliband assured delegates that today’s result would lead to the [reinvigoration/utter destruction from within] of the Labour party. ‘This mandate gives us a once-in-a-generation opportunity to put this great party [back on the map/out to pasture] once and for all,’ said Miliband. ‘And with me [at the helm/doing something else], we can enter the next general election absolutely confident of [losing comfortably/losing spectacularly].’