Graduate trainee social workers will handle complex cases after five weeks and be well on the way to depression and a nervous breakdown within just two months, under a new fast-track training scheme unveiled today by the Government.
The ‘Frontline’ scheme aims to attract top graduates into the profession and sap their energy and morale without the need for years of bureaucracy, media hostility, reorganisations and under-resourcing by local councils.
‘I’m pleased to announce that we’re cutting out the protracted year-on-year “helping the vulnerable in a meaningful way” that has characterised social work for too long,’ said Josh MacAlister, chief executive of Frontline. ‘Now newly-qualified social workers will be able to move almost directly to the career stage of habitual depression and drug use that they look forward to early on.’
The Government’s very own idiot savant, Education Secretary Michael Gove, approved funding for a pilot of 100 volunteers. Mr. Gove explained: ‘The “Frontline” scheme aims to do just that, give candidates firsthand experience of frontline combat, with all the mental and emotional strain, behavioural problems, alienation, post-traumatic stress disorders, frustration and stress-related cardiomyopathy that involves.’
After a five-week ‘taster course’, these students will be air-dropped, naked, into the most challenging urban areas in the country including Stoke-on-Trent, Wigan, and the London Borough of Haringey. There, without access to any support or stationery, they will have to fend for themselves by competing for food with urban foxes and trying to prevent all child abuse within a thirty-mile radius while handcuffed and blindfolded, as well as evading detection by heavily-armed regulators from the Health and Care Professions Council.
Mr. MacAlister was quick to address concerns that these students may be over-exposed: ‘Too often social workers are bogged down with helping the weakest in society, transforming lives, helping older people live independently, safeguarding children, and generally holding our community together. We want to enable aspiring professionals to get to experience regular physical and verbal abuse as soon as possible. For most social workers it takes years before they can be publicly crucified by a pernicious and unreasonable media and a litigious, angry population. We can now make that living nightmare a reality. The papers will love it.’
If successful, this scheme will be rolled out to include other public sector workers. ‘Nurses will have their peanut allowance cut by 50%,’ said a delighted Michael Gove. ‘Teachers will see class sizes increased to 1,200 and children will be armed with tasers and customer feedback forms, while all Police Officers will automatically receive cash payments from News International without the need to detect crime – although actually Teresa May tells me that’s not very different from now.’