The combined weight of migrant workers arriving on Britain’s shores is causing the country to tilt, it has emerged, as areas of Kent were violently rocked by a small earthquake on Thursday night. The 4.3-magnitude quake caused teacups to rattle and flocks of ceramic ducks to fall off living room walls.
‘It’s simple physics, innit?’ said Janet Spitt, a disgruntled local who canvassed for UKIP in the recent election. ‘If you have a long, slender thing and put enough weight on one corner of it, it’ll tip over. One more Bulgarian plumber and we’ll end up in the sea.’
Mobs who had gathered outside a Polish shop dispersed after police promised that they would be investigating claims of people feeling ‘a bit lopsided’ since the tremor. They added: ‘Look, go home now, before Farage comes back and it really starts kicking off.’