‘We now believe that at any given time, as many as 40 per cent of all orgasms in Britain are faked,’ said Detective Inspector Stephen Roberts of Operation Zenith, the squad dedicated to combatting the epidemic. ‘We are advising people to be on the lookout for these counterfeit climaxes. Sometimes they can sound convincingly close to the real thing, and in many cases it’s someone close to you who’s doing it – precisely the last person you’d suspect.’
Police say that signs of a bogus crescendo include your partner reading a book or watching the TV throughout a sexual encounter, and post-coital remarks such as ‘Yeah, two minutes is plenty for me too’ and ‘I just remembered the car needs to booked in for its MOT’.
Officers have reported great co-operation from the public in detecting this widespread fraud. ‘We’ve had tip-offs from thousands of people up and down the country with information about this sort of activity,’ said DI Roberts. ‘Just yesterday, we made a swoop on a house in Soho after one man reported being the victim of years of deception. It’s bad enough if it’s someone close to you pulling the wool over your eyes, but when they’re making you pay for it as well that’s completely immoral.’