After a hastily convened session at the United Nations the Security Council has agreed that the only course of action available to them to protect 2.3 billion innocent yet hopeful football-mad civilians worldwide is to take ‘all necessary means’ to end tyranny at the heart of football.
NATO has reluctantly agreed to take the leading role in implementing resolution 2022 and planning is under way to launch precision strikes against FIFA strongholds in and around Zurich.
The resolution was instigated by the British delegate Lord Triesman backed up by French delegate Michel Platini and already a coalition is building which has attracted wide support, most lately and notably from Arab states including Qatar.
‘This action has become inevitable’ said head of Nato, Anders Fogh Rasmussen, ‘there were deep suspicions of the integrity of the Leadership of FIFA for years now and while we accept strong leadership is needed to bring the many disparate factions together, when Sepp Blatter awarded himself the fair-play flag, it was clear that the he had no intention of meeting the wishes of the international community. Add to that the experience of elections with only one candidate – Mugabe, Chavez, Gadaffi, Mubarak, Gordon Brown – clearly it’s not going to end well, and we simply had to act.
As panic gripped Zurich last night many sirens could be heard wailing throughout the city that they’d been working hard on the FIFA delegates for most of the evening as usual and now feared they were unlikely to get paid. An increasingly paranoid Blatter is said to be moving from hospitality suite to hospitality suite in an attempt to evade being caught up in nasty interrogations and to garner what support he can, but sophisticated NATO systems are tracking his every movement and trying to make sense of frequent and enormous global transactions on his FIFA credit card account.
NATO insists they are in this for the long haul; they believe the conflict will be resolved long before Euro 2012 and cite this as the reason for turning down an offer of mediation from Gazza. The only abstention to the UN resolution came from Russia, who are very happy to be hosting the World Cup in 2018 and didn’t want to make a fuss.