A virginal sawfish from Florida has become the most recent example of immaculate conception since the Almighty’s ‘barely legal’ fumblings with a 14 year old from Bethlehem. Why God has taken over two thousand years to manifest his zoophilia is unclear and he has expressed no interest in taking custody of seven small fry.
A spokesman for the Divine said: ‘God has been on the lookout for a womb free from original sin, but thanks to Club 18-30s package holidays and youngsters unwillingness to use protection since Durex branded their products with Olly Murs’ face, there have been no human subject that meets the criteria. Therefore, he has had to look further afield. Well, he started with fields, but livestock are pretty slutty as well. In the end, only sawfish know how to keep their fins crossed’.
Some scientists think the pregnancy was due to the sawfish being critically endangered, but others suggest God just got her drunk. Asked if there were signs of any wedding bells, the spokesman replied: ‘She’s a nice sawfish but God’s not really a settling down guy. Maybe there’s some affable Jewish carpenter she could marry? Perhaps she should’ve thought about these things before she got banged up? She’s more a slapper than a snapper, if you ask me.’
Although some invertebrates and teenage boys naturally reproduce alone, this is an incredibly rare event. This evolution in reproduction was less than one-in-100 billion, the same odds of God wearing a condom. One priest commented: ‘This may be exceptional but the real miracle will be getting God to pay child maintenance’.