A carnation spoke today of its regret at not believing in reincarnation in a previous life. The bloom, a deep red in colour, recorded at the Chelsea Flower Show, explained that it had enjoyed a previous life as Mr Andrew Smythe of Carshalton, Surrey.
‘One afternoon I was involved in idle chatter with a colleague in the accounts department of a local catering supply firm, and we were discussing the afterlife, including reincarnation. I expressed a firm belief that there was no such thing, and that the idea of returning to this earth as a different species was poppycock. I spoke too soon, obviously’
The Carnation said that it was sad that its life was so short in comparison with its previous one, but experienced ‘intense sexual pleasure’ during the pollination process. ‘Now, as my petals wilt and my stamen begin to lack the stamina of their youth, my thoughts turn to reincarnation again, this time with more hope. Perhaps I will be reincarnated as Mr Andrew Smythe of Carshalton, Surrey, which would be handy, as I have a nagging suspicion some of last month’s VAT figures could do with another look.’
A spokesperson for Carnation condensed milk said there was initial interest in its marketing department at the prospect of a talking carnation, but added that on closer examination the mental health issues that might surface would be ‘incompatible with the brand’.