Previously well-to-do Doug and Tanya Quelps of Chesterly-under-Whelm had only recently turned their backs on their local Sainsburys and decided to try the German-owned reichsmarket after seeing the latest Lidl TV adverts which appear to show its customers as having no discernible abnormalities.
Mrs Quelps said ‘We knew that we were taking a risk, and of course we regret that now, but the adverts made it all seem so … well, economically sustainable. But obviously we didn’t mention it to the children; they’re already stigmatised enough since they’ve had to start eating school dinners.’
Mr Quelps explained ‘After about ten minutes inside the Lidl, I suppose we got rather carried away, and the economy multi-pack of tuna was really just a spontaneous purchase. I mean, nine-ninety-five for a quarter of a tonne seemed too good to be true. But, as it turns out, that’s not all we were getting.’
However, the true cost of the Quelps’ venture into unorthodox ubermarkets only revealed itself when they discovered the Burmese refugee in amongst the shrink-wrapped twenty-four-pack of ten-kilo cans.
‘Here in Derbyshire, we’re almost as far from the sea as you can be in Britain’ lamented Mr Quelp’s. ‘So the cost in petrol alone for the round-trip to the coast – just to throw the little fella back in – was more than the entire Lidl savings. And, on top of that, our Jeep’s upholstery is completely ruined from having to keep the slippery bugger wet for the whole way there.’