‘I was misinterpreted,’ insisted the Prime Minister today regarding his statement that ‘any Conservative MP who dares to vote to leave the EU will have their stomach pulled out through their throat and reinserted up their bumhole.’ He claims that the sentence was taken ‘totally out of context, and immediately after his anger management session.’ It’s little wonder some people think I was trying to tell my MPs, yes MY MPs, how to vote,’ he added.
He clarified that the vote, after renegotiation of the EU treaty, would be free. ‘They’ve got their conscience, I’ve got their families, at gunpoint,’ he noted. He continued to point out that he also has the photos, the expense reports the Telegraph never got and a firm grip on at least one of their balls – ‘even Teresa May’s if necessary.’
Constitutional experts agreed that it was normal for a free vote to be predetermined by the Prime Minister before begging to be lowered to the ground. Gently. And feet first if possible.