Government favours unqualified stab victims

The Grange Hill Chainsaw Massacre

The Department for Education has questioned the profitability of using teachers as student ‘pin cushions’, when Academies and unqualified staff can offer much better value for money. As West Yorkshire experiences its second stabbing incident by a pupil in as many years, Ministers have proposed that staff be replaced with un-unionised piñatas.

NASUWT leader Chris Keates referred to it as a ‘crude cost-cutting measure’, although more accurately it is a measure of cutting up teachers crudely. An Education spokeswoman countered: ‘Why should we invest years of graduate and post-graduate training in a teacher who is likely just to get shanked by a grumpy GCSE student? It would be much cheaper just to put an ex-servicemen in the firing line – it’s not like we’ve got a shortage of them.’

When asked what she would do to protect teachers, Education Secretary Nicky Morgan endorsed her predecessor’s decision to put a King James Bible in every school. Her spokeswoman explained: ‘Carried in a pocket, the bible has a good chance of repelling a blade. It’s cheaper than a stab vest and the pages are absorbent when dealing with all that blood. It’s also got some lovely funeral prayers if the ambulance arrives a little too late.’

Although the number of unqualified teachers has increased by over 20% in recent years, Mrs Morgan was quick to point out that her own lack of educational qualifications had never held her back. The spokeswoman clarified: ‘Parents and pupils need the right to choose which stab victim is best for them. We don’t want the local authority meddling in size of blade or slicing methodology – we need to let the free-market decide. Failing schools will be Academised, while failing teachers will be shish kebabed’.

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Posted: Jun 12th, 2015 by

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