After achieving promotions in two successive seasons to reach the Premier League, Norwich City have sacked their manager before the start of the new season blaming anticipated poor results and eventual relegation next May.
‘We were so happy at being promoted in a blaze of glory just a few short weeks ago,’ said Canaries chairman Alan Bowlett at a press conference, ‘but we now have to face reality. We like to think of ourselves as an ordinary club but the problem is that we are more ordinary than everyone else, making relegation back to the Championship inevitable.
‘The board has to accept full responsibility for our predicament so we have decided to sack our manager, Paul Lambert, and concentrate our efforts on regaining promotion back to the top flight the following season.’
In an effort to save wages, the Canaries will sell off or release all of their current players and plan to outsource on-field responsibilities to Capita, the professional services company. ‘We appreciate that they have no proven sporting record,’ said Mr Bowlett, ‘but bottom of the league is bottom of the league, so we’re better off paying Capita £1,000 a week per player than the minimum £20,000 our current squad will demand.
‘It’s a no brainer really. We can save money, achieve the same league position and then spend the parachute money on the 2012/13 promotion campaign. Three more relegations and we’ll be able to buy a new stand, then five more and we might be able to afford Lionel Messi, who will be 40 by then and would probably enjoy retiring to Norfolk.’
Conscious of the need to appease fans, Bowlett has promised that the board will sign a big name manager to mastermind next season’s campaign. ‘It would clearly be disastrous if we managed to stay up, and I can assure fans that we’re committed to finding the right man for this challenging role. Does anyone know if Lawrie McMenemy is still alive?’