Not to be out done by the United States’ decision to legalise same-sex marriage, the British judiciary has laid out plans to take marriage in general to a whole new level of kitsch. One UK MP commented: ‘This isn’t about sexual orientation; it’s about everyone’s right to dress as Elvis, surrounded by lava lamps, while dancing to Kylie Minogue’.
As of 2016 all British citizens will have the right to marry their soul mate, provided their ceremony re-defines the word ‘camp’ in a way that makes ‘His and His’ towel sets look repressed. It will be mandatory for all wedding venues to be adorned with tea lights shaped like buttocks, micro-pig party-favours and bunting that spells out the newlyweds’ favourite sex position.
Tiered cakes that fail to have mix of sweet, savoury and glow in the dark decorations, will simply be replaced by a tofu buffet. ‘Songs from the shows’ will be played throughout but only ironically and only by five-piece Bavarian Oompah Band. One engaged couple remarked: ‘The US Supreme Court may just be entering the 21st century in terms of human rights, but we are firmly entering the 22nd century; with a liberalised attitude to sexuality, porcelain animal collections and Registrars dressed as Wonder Woman’.
Obviously all bridesmaids will wear Elizabethan ruffs and any ‘best man’ will be non-gender specific. However, a spokesman for the UK’s Catholic Church said: ‘It’s not all about finding your wedding ring in a novelty cracker. It’s about a solemn vow before God. We’re in favour of a traditional service – conducted by a man in a dress, serenaded by a collection of young boys, all intoxicated on incense and wine’.