FEATURE: 3.5 million gay people panic as they realise they’re expected to propose now

but it's a really big commitment...

Upon learning that the Supreme Court of the United States has passed a decision that ensures the right of gay couples to marry, gay man Patrick Allen from San Francisco started to feel a slow pressure building in his chest, his vision narrowing and his lungs hyperventilating as he processed the immeasurable terror of committing to his partner, James Greene, for the rest of their lives.

“James is very political,” Patrick said between heaving gasps into a brown paper bag, “He’s been pushing for this for so long, it’s all he wants.”

The Supreme Court decision imparts to gay people the crippling pressure of taking lifelong vows of devotion and love, the same vows that straight couples have been dealing with for centuries, and many homosexuals are facing panic attacks at their sudden inclusion in this soul-sucking, life-halting, dream-killing institution.

“I mean, it’s so permanent,” says lesbian Marsha Packard, as she smokes a fifth cigarrette. “How can I be sure I’ll still love Nina ten years from now? Twenty? Seventy?”

“Are we allowed to divorce, too?” She asks.

On the other hand, many gay people are thrilled at the news. James Greene has already picked the flower arrangement for his and Patrick’s wedding. Now he’s just wondering when the proposal will happen. “He’s been a little distant lately, real focussed on work,” James says, “But I think this wonderful development will probably make him want to take the next, finally legal step.”

Many straight people are celebrating as well, thrilled that their LGBT friends are finally allowed to subject themselves to the same miserable, monotonous existence that straight people have always had the privilege of choosing.

“It’s wonderful news,” says emotionally drained and dead-eyed straight man Ryan Wilson. “I’m so happy that they’ll get to experience the slow evaporation of love and autonomy that comes with marriage, until one day, years from now, they’ll look at their ageing spouse and find only the tracest remnants of the person they once fell in love with.”

“I’m pretty sure more rights will follow,” Wilson’s wife Sarah asserts. “Pretty soon, gay people will be able to raise children who consume their very identities and resent them nonetheless.”

“That’ll be another great victory,” she concludes.

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Posted: Jun 28th, 2015 by

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