George Osborne has commissioned an immediate inquiry into why the cover-up of alleged child abuse by high profile Westminster figures did not work. ‘If Conservative governments cannot even organise simple cover-ups into matters that would if uncovered destroy their party’s reputation, something is wrong. Which is why I am ordering a QC-led inquiry into the failure of the original cover-ups, which will ultimately cover up any cover-ups in covering up the cover-ups,’ he announced before a press conference this morning.
Mr Osborne continued: ‘In the past there was always a well-organised ring of anonymous coverer-uppers operating out of a house in Westminster. Many of them, I’m ashamed to say, are still active in politics. Others are household names. These men have brought British society and politics into disrepute by their failure to conceal the truth. We need immediate action to discover why they failed to cover up, and how we can further distract the public from these worrying allegations from so long ago.’
He added: ‘We have asked our coalition partners the Liberal Democrats to see if they have any further juicy stuff about Cyril Smith, Jeremy Thorpe, Chris Huhne or Lord Rennard about which they can apologise, while we prepare fresh whitewash about why the original whitewash did not work.’
It’s understood Lord Tebbit has advised David Cameron to remind the public of ‘more healthy Conservative sexual scandals of the time’. Sources close to Lord Tebbit have suggested that close associates in the press will run newspaper retrospectives about the doings of, among others, Geoffrey Archer, Cecil Parkinson, Edwina Currie, John Major and David Mellor. ‘These were red-blooded grown-up perfectly legal Conservative sexual scandals between healthy and consenting heterosexual adults, and they should be celebrated as such in full feature articles with pictures of a scantily clad Christine Keeler. Anything to take the public’s mind off Leon Britain, even though he is entirely innocent of anything whatsoever.’
Lord Tebbit has also denied he was part of the cover up of the original cover up. ‘Of course there was a cover-up going on in those days,’ he told Andrew Marr. ‘It was common knowledge that there was a kind of man who had a taste for that kind of covering-up thing. But the fact we knew about it and didn’t say anything didn’t make us part of it. And the fact I’m hinting I know who was covering for the coverers-up doesn’t make me one of them. I have to protect my popular public image, after all.’