Thousands of librarians sacked as part of Operation Austerity are creating havoc on the streets of Britain.
The incidents are modest at the outset – some aggressive tutting, an occasional stare at a noisy neighbour – but quickly escalate into a frenzy of violence and sexual excess. Police officers are attending up to 50 incidents per week involving humping librarians on bus shelter roofs.
‘What the government didn’t realise when it let them all go was that they’ve read everything’ said one senior police officer. ‘Yes, they’re bookish and middle aged, but they’ve absorbed decades of military manuals, unarmed combat, karate, kung fu, you name it. It’s a bit like The Matrix. I haven’t actually seen one dissolve into ones and noughts yet, but it’s surely only a matter of time.
‘They’ve got no respect for our laws. They live by the Dewey Decimal system, an ancient code of honour which demands total obedience, silence, and the timely return of borrowed items. Seven branches of Waterstones have been torched in the last month, and a vicar was subjected to what I can only describe as a horrific incident involving jam and a swarm of bees. If something isn’t done soon, people could die.’