Study reveals bass players ‘every bit as dull as golfers’


Following a study which showed rock drummers to have the stamina of premiership footballers, similar experiments have been carried out to search for sporting equivalents to other members of a typical band. The first results show categorically that bass players exhibit almost exactly the same level of crowd-pleasing charisma usually found in golfers with some even achieving standards of personal engagement with the crowd displayed by only the very top golfing professionals.

‘We started out looking at fitness levels to be honest, but just got really bored of it,’ admitted Dr Craigowen from his lab at the Sports institute in Sheffield. ‘The golfers just did a few practice swings and lots of pretend looking into the distance after their imaginary ball and the bass players just swayed ever so slightly, did a lot of out-of-tune humming, and asked for a pie. God it was dull.’

An alternative survey was then devised where members of the public had their brainwaves recorded while watching golfers and bass players under conditions simulating a typical four ball and a gig down the local pub. ‘The results speak for themselves,’ said Dr Craigowen, ‘Absolutely the same response from everyone who watched. Zilch. Not a flicker. Although one man’s trace did give out a big reading, but we tracked that down to him being a trainspotter who just liked the sound of our machines going ‘ping’.

The institute has now received funding for further studies including comparisons between tambourine players and darts champions and a study into the drug tolerance of lead singers compared to that of tour de France cyclists. ‘I can’t wait’, said Dr Craigowen, although he later admitted he was looking for another job.

Tommy Watson the editor of Modern Bassist magazine said; ‘I think this is a really interesting study. I even thought we were all a bit dull myself so it’s really great to find out we’re actually now officially as dynamic and exciting to watch as golfers.’ Mr Watson then gave two thumbs up and said ‘Yesss!’

evilsuperstar (one line Riesler)

24th July 2008

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