An expert formerly employed by the Department of Education, now thought to have gone rogue, admitted today that the government’s much-vaunted ‘academies’ programme consists solely of calling schools by another word that means the same thing.
‘We had all these failing schools, and no idea what to do about them. Then some gonk with an A-level in marketing suggested we just ‘rebrand’ them. To come up with a new name, he proposed a ‘blue sky, out of the box, free-form creative strategy session’, and when everyone had finished throwing up, someone said that ‘academies’ sounded quite classy, so we went with that.’
‘The bizarre thing is, it worked. People now imagine that the most run-down, underfunded, undisciplined inner city comprehensives are something like Socrates teaching Plato and Aristotle in the dappled afternoon sunlight of an Athenian glade, and all because we changed the bloody name.’
Asked whether he had any proof that this conversation ever took place, the expert agreed to meet a Daily Mirror journalist in an underground car park, though as an added security measure, he refused to say which one.
The headmaster of the flagship Dunstable Academy was unavailable for comment, due to his pupils having stripped him naked, tied him to a chair and set him on fire.